I’m gonna live foreverrrrrrr…..I’m gonna learn how to fly! Okay, none of that is true, but the single greatest part of this episode was becoming Granny V. The make up effects took over 2 hours!! Which I think is great because I would have been super pissed if it only took 10 min to make me look like I’m in my 70s.

So let’s talk about old people.

I am an old person trapped in a young person's body. Years of being an athlete means my bones hurt. My knees are more accurate than ABC 7’s Doppler Tracker. Yup, it’s definitely gonna rain.

Also, my dear parents who I love very much have the shittiest vision ever, so then they put their craptastic genes together and I’m basically a female Mr. Magoo. And yes, the irony is strong that in this post about millennials, no one will get my Mr. Magoo reference.

I get laughed at on the reg at the office because anyone who walks past my work computer can see my size 42 font from across the room. The giant iPhone 6 Plus was the single greatest thing to happen to me. No joke. I can finally read The Twitter!!!

But because of my old person proclivities, I don’t understand why technology isn’t more tailored to a wider range of people. Seriously, all of the apps these days are banal attempts to replace stuff that grown ass adults should know how to do for themselves. There are billions of untapped dollars in the pockets, handbags, and freezers of old people. Seriously, why do old people keep money in the freezer. Nice surprise when I’m looking for a Klondike bar though.

I created an app that’s called “Don’t Worry, It’s Not Cancer.” You type in what’s wrong with you, and 2 minutes later, a very reassuring lady named Linda calls you on your landline and tells you “don’t worry, it’s not cancer.” ALL OF THE DOLLARS. BRING THEM TO MEEEEEEE!

Or you know all the train and bus tracker apps? They should add a feature that takes into account how slow you walk because you’re old and your bones hurt. So instead of: Train 3 min- it just says, oh girl, you ain’t gonna make that one, but by the time you get there, it will only be a short wait for the next one.

Or more health related and cloud connected apps to help you manage the health of your parents as they age. Because the immediate reality of millennials is going to be the brutal process of helping their parents as they age. But NO ONE ever talks about this.

It’s like the “pooping on the table when you give birth” cautionary tale that Jenny McCarthy popularized in a book. Back when she was more famous, and less crazy. Now that’s reversed, but at least the message is out there.

Maybe Amy Schumer should write a hilarious sketch about caring for your aging parents so it can go viral and we can all know we’re supposed to officially care about it.

“I guess you could say you can say it DEPENDS, Dad!”

*Giant adult diaper falls from sky.

Aaaaaaad scene.

Speaking of which, it’s so weird how the baby boomer market goes untargeted. Unless of course it’s for drugs. I watch the evening news every night...shut up! I told you I was old. And while I was writing this episode, I made a list of all of the ads shown on all of the networks during the evening news. Not one wasn’t drug/supplement related. I know now more about vaginal dryness and memory boosting vitamins than I ever hoped.

I saw this Nature Valley granola ad online and straight wept at my desk because it was so well done and also it made me sad for the future, then hungry for a Nature Valley granola bar. So good job guys. But take a gander and try not to feel all of the feels.

There is such a disconnect between the people producing the content and the people reading it. I read a ton of blogs and I can pretty much guarantee that I’m older than 90% of all of the writers. New Media is generating serious “think pieces” from people who weren’t even alive when the Berlin Wall came down.

Yo, if you had to watch the OJ chase in history class, maybe don’t write a 10,000 word think piece about how your generation is the only one that really “gets” new media. Seriously, look at this profile piece on the 24 year old CEO’s of the anonymous messaging app Yik Yak.

Meet the Dude-Bros who invented Yik Yak 

Meet the Dude-Bros who invented Yik Yak 

Ahhahahhahhah BROOKS BUFFINGTON!!! You might as well have named your kid Whammy McPunchFace. Ugh. Yes, I want an app so I can anonymously tell everyone that I go to university with how much I hate everyone I go to university with. Look at all of the problems the app is having and tell me they wouldn’t benefit from having an actual grown ass adult be in charge.

I’m also looking at you Tinder, and yeah I see you Snapchat.  

I think it’s hilarious that all the 20 somethings who work in my office just made a sad “awwww” noise when I told them the subject of this month’s episode.

Millennial: What’s your next Nailed It! gonna be about?

Me: Old People.

Millennial: Awwwww, that’s like really sad?

(Is that a question?)

Me: Why’s it sad?

Millennial: Cause it’s like, you know, old people?

(Why does everything sound like a question? That’s an actual question.) 

Me: You know we’re all going to get old, right?

Millennial: Nah, they’ll come up with like an app or pill or something? You have no chill.

(Seriously, stop uptalking. Make short declarative statements so you don’t sound like a very bewildered yet sexy baby.)

Me: I don’t even know what that means.

So yes, I’m generalizing a bit, but not one young person who I informally interviewed as I wrote this piece was even remotely close to having a plan for their retirement. It’s like a non-tangible thing that’s gonna happen in a galaxy far far away, but like Google is probs gonna come in and make a pill to fix it, or Elon is gonna send us all to Mars and then we’ll reverse age like Interstellar but with more chill.

I am middle age (I don’t even know what that means anymore) and I think about retiring a lot. Right now, my main plan is to just not live that long. Like for real. People in my family don’t really live that long. I mean, I exercise and I eat right, and yada yada, but hey can’t beat genetics. I like to play a game: find the oldest white person you know and ask them if their parents are still alive. Most of the time the answer is yes.

Like “Oh, pop-pop? He’s 98! Still drives.”

Like holy shit, white people live forever!! People in my office have parents in their 90’s!!! That shit always cracks me up. Like whoa, I thought you were old as hell, but your moms is still alive? Yo, what was Lincoln like?

Also, white people have money. Like old money, or generational transference of wealth, if you wanna get real specific. Blew my mind that there is over $13 trillion dollars that is going to change hands between generations in the next few years. Right now I’m working real hard on how I’m gonna divide up my “estate” between my Chihuahua and 6 feral cats.

In fact, a new study shows that basically old rich people really love to party.

When I get old, I can’t wait to drink my face off, but the problem is, I may not get to retire at all.

I mean stories like this are nice. 10 best places to retire abroad.

But then being a sassy single lady, I read shit like this.

Good Luck retiring, stupid single lady!

Ugh, I need to lie down, my bones hurt. But maybe things aren’t as terrible as I’m being told? Maybe I am being overly frugal and that I CAN afford to make it rain in retirement. Hooray!

Spend Money in Retirement

Well, the real takeaway is clear, whatever we’re doing, we can probably still afford to do more. So let’s make a promise not to stick our heads in the sand and try to get our collective shit together.

Head on over to the doughjo and maybe learn some cool shit about options. 

In the meantime and in between time, read these cool stories about bad bitches, that stayed bad bitches for lyfe!

America's Oldest Park Ranger

Awesome Lady Collects Awesome Cars

Or if you want a weird, but comical Nancy Meyer take on things, watch this movie trailer for her upcoming film “The Intern”. She wrote “It’s Complicated” so she knows how to make old people wacky.

Finally, shout out to Agnes Fenton, You Da Real MVP! This bad bitch knows the REAL secret for a long long life.

secret to long life

Hope you guys enjoyed this episode, and as Granny V says “you don’t gotta leave, but I’m about to call your ass a Uber, I got somewhere to be.” Or was that Drake? Whatever. See ya next time!